Who the H*ll's This?
by Kenny's Goddess
Summary: Someone new is moving to South Park...OBVIOUSLY! ^_^ ::grumbles about censoring::


Who The Hell's This?  
  
  
"Where are we moving again, Dad?" the young girl asked. Her father leaned over and ruffled her wild, curly brown hair.  
  
"South Park," he said, lifting up another box. "Here, help me with this." The girl got underneath the box her father was holding and pushed up as hard as she could.  
  
"I don't think I'm helping much," she said as her father tossed the box into the moving van with ease. He smiled down at his only child.  
  
"Sure you did," he said. "You were a great help, pumpkin." She smiled back, slightly sad.  
  
"Thanks," she said. She looked down for a minute and then back up into her father's homely face. Peter Sanders was not a very handsome man, with rugged, harsh features and hair that always laid askew on top of his head, but he had the heart of Jesus. He would have done anything for his little girl and was upset to see her so down.  
  
"What is it, honey?" he asked, sitting down on the couch that the movers had taken out of the house. "Come on, you can tell me anything." Colleen crawled up onto the couch and sat in her father's lap.  
  
"Daddy, why do we have to move?" she asked softly. "Why can't we stay here in Washington?" Peter sighed. Colleen's bright green eyes were staring up into his, seemingly piercing his own thoughts. She wasn't stupid; he knew that. She was extremely perceptive for her age, which was eight, and could usually tell what was going on.   
  
"Well honey, your mother's family wants us to be closer to them because we're all they have now that-"  
  
"Why did Mommy die?" she asked, knowing that he was going to bring it up. Her mother had died of cancer a few months before.  
  
"She said she was going to be with me forever," she whispered, tears welling up in her eyes. "Why did she have to die?"  
  
Peter's heart melted as he stared down at the tearful face of his daughter. He did the only thing he could do; he wrapped his arms around her body and held her close. Her whole body was shaking with sobs and she buried her face into her father's shirt.  
  
"I miss her, Daddy," she said softly. "I want her back here with us. I want her back so we don't have to move to some town in the middle of nowhere away from all my friends!" She stared up at him again.  
  
"Why is that so wrong?" she whispered. "Why can't we all be a family again?" Peter smoothed her hair back and kissed her forehead, tears shining in his own eyes.  
  
"I don't know, hon," he said. "Now come on, we have to finish up."  
  
~*~  
  
"Okay, why the hell are we out here at six in the morning?" Lily asked sleepily, rubbing her eyes and yawning. "On a fucking Saturday?" Kyle grinned and rubbed his hands together.  
  
"Wait, you impatient bitch," he said. "This is going to kick ass. We just have to wait for Cartman and Kenny to get here."  
  
"It's too fucking early, Kyle," Stan said groggily. "I wanna go back to bed." He streched his arms out and yawned.  
  
"Why the hell do we have to be out here anyway?" he asked. "This better be good, Kyle..."  
  
"It is, don't worry!" he exclaimed. "I promise you guys that it won't suck!" Lily rolled her eyes and Stan sighed impatiently.  
  
"Sure, whatever you say," Lily muttered under her breath. She looked up and spotted Kenny and Cartman trudging down the road in the distance. She smiled happily and waved. Cartman found the energy to wave back, but Kenny looked like he was going to pass out.  
  
"Hey!" Lily called out, waving cheerily still. "Hurry up, you slowpokes!" Kenny slowly lifted his head up and looked at her. Then, he flipped her off.  
  
"Shut up," he said as they arrived where the other three were standing. "It's six in the morning on a Saturday, and I am not a fucking morning person." He shot Kyle a murderous glare.  
  
"This better be worth it," he said. Kyle waved his hand at him, motioning for him to shut up. He cocked his head and then smiled.  
  
"There it is, you guys!" he exclaimed. Lily nudged Stan in the ribs and then tapped her head and crossed her eyes. Stan snickered.  
  
"Hehe, Kyle's gone crazy," she said.  
  
"He sure has," Stan replied. Then, they all heard something too. It music, faint and off in the distance. It sounded like the song 'The Entertainer'.  
  
"What the-" Kenny said.  
  
"What the hell is that music?" Stan asked.  
  
"Whatever music it is, it sucks ass," Cartman stated. Lily giggled.  
  
"Yeah, it does," she said. The music was louder now, and Kyle had gotten to the edge of the road, staring down in the direction of where the music was coming. He turned back around towards the others, excitement etched across his face.  
  
"There it is, you guys, look!" he shouted. They all made their way to the side of the road and stared down the street where Kyle was pointing. Cartman's eyes lit up as he recognized what it was.  
  
"It's an ice cream truck!" he shouted happily. "An ice cream truck, you guys, look!"  
  
"Wow!" Stan said. "I never knew that South Park had an ice cream man!" Kyle beamed.  
  
"My dad thought of it," he said proudly. "He's running the whole thing. He said we could all have some free ice cream!"  
  
"Really?" Cartman said, his eye's wide. He was trembling with anticipation and nearly drooling over the prospect of free food.  
  
"I don't have to pay for anything?" Kenny said. "Woo-hoo!" Lily walked over a telephone pole that was nearby and just started to bang her head into it.  
  
"Jeez, Lily, what's wrong?" Kyle asked. She stopped banging her head for a second and stared up at him.  
  
"I'm out here," she said. "At six in the fucking morning, just so you can have us all get ice cream, which I can't even fucking eat?" She slammed her head into the pole once more for good measure. "Argh!"  
  
"Wow, Lily, you can't eat ice cream?" Kenny said. "Why?"  
  
"Because she's one of those freaky lactose intolerant people," Stan supplied. "If she eats anything that has dairy in it she gets really sick."  
  
"Wow, that has to suck," Kyle said. She shrugged.  
  
"I deal with it," she said. "But, I sure wish you had said something about it before!"  
  
"Not to worry," Cartman added in. "Maybe they'll have something non-dairy there that you can get, Lily!" Lily thought about it, and them smiled.  
  
"Yeah!" she said. "I like sherbet! And, maybe they'll have some of that kick ass tofu ice cream!" All the others stared at her like she was nuts.  
  
"Tofu ice cream?" Kyle finally said. "That has to be the most disgusting thing I have ever heard of!"  
  
"Fuck off," she replied tacitly. "I happen to like it, assface, so, leave me alone!"  
  
"Yeah," Cartman added. "You heard the bitch, leave her alone!" Kyle rolled his eyes as the ice cream truck pulled up.  
  
"Ahh, you and your dumb girlfriend," he said. "You make me sick."  
  
"Kyle, just because no girl would ever be stupid enough to like you doesn't mean that you have to give me shit for liking Cartman," Lily said.  
  
"How can you like Cartman, anyway?" Kyle said. "He's a fat, stupid piece of shit who thinks with his stomach more then he thinks with his brain!"  
  
"Better then being an analytical Jew freak," Lily retorted as she walked over to the open window of the ice cream truck. She looked up at Kyle's dad and waved up at him, smiling cheerily.  
  
"Hello Mr. Brofslovski," she said. "I have to ask you a question."  
  
"Hello, Lily," he said amiably. "Sure, ask away."  
  
"Do you have any non-dairy products on this ice cream truck?" she asked. "I'm lactose intolerant and I can't have any dairy." Mr. Brofslovski grinned.  
  
"I knew there would be someone in this town who would be," he said. "I stocked up on lots of sherbet, popsicles and that non-dairy tofu ice cream."  
  
"Yay!" Lily said. "I'll have a large vanilla Tofutti, then!" The others clambered around to place their orders.  
  
"I'll have a large vanilla ice cream," Stan said, proving that twins did have similar tastes sometimes.  
  
"I'll have the chocolate double fudge sundae with extra everything," Cartman ordered.  
  
"I'll have a cherry water ice," Kyle said.  
  
"And I think I'm gonna have a large sugar cone with a scoop of vanilla, chocolate, and mint, please," Kenny requested. Mr. Brofslovski rooted around and made everyone's order. He handed them out and then started to drive away, playing the music.  
  
"That one's on me," he called back. "Have fun, kids!"  
  
"Thanks, Mr. Brofslovski!" Lily called after him. He turned down the street towards the City Hall and then was gone.  
  
"Well, what do you suppose we do today?" Stan asked. Cartman sighed.  
  
"I'm having relatives of mine move in," he grumbled. "They have to stay with us for a while, and it's going to suck ass."  
  
"How many people are moving in with you, dude?" Kyle asked.  
  
"Only two," he said. "My mom's brother-in-law and his kid. Ma said that the kid was our age though, so, maybe a little good will come out of this..."  
  
"Is it a boy?" Lily asked, a mischievous grin on her face. "I've been looking for a boyfriend, you see, since the last kid I met really treated me like shit-" They all laughed.  
  
"Uh oh, Cartman, your woman's gonna leave ya!" Cartman looked at her, indifferent.  
  
"Fine, leave me," he said simply. "See if I care, I can make do without your bitch ass to support..." Lily laughed and then kissed him lightly on the cheek.  
  
"Shut up, asshole," she said. "I would never leave you and you know it." She dug her spoon into her ice cream and smiled.  
  
"Here, taste some," she said, holding her spoon to Cartman's lips. He put his hand over his mouth and shook his head.  
  
"No way," he said. "I am never going to eat that shit!"  
  
"Oh, come on," Lily said good-naturedly. "It's really good, I bet it tastes just like real ice cream!" Cartman stared at her warily and removed his hand from his mouth.  
  
"You're sure now," he said, eyeing the spoon. "You're not lying to me?" She shook her head and gave him her sweetest smile.  
  
"Why I would I lie, Cartman?" she asked. "If it didn't taste good, why the hell would I eat it?" She held the spoon in front of him, waving it.  
  
"Eat me..." she said in a low voice. "Cartman, you know you want toooooo..." Cartman snickered a bit and then opened his mouth.  
  
"Flight 206, you're cleared for landing, over," he said. Lily grinned and put the spoon into his mouth, making little airplane noises as she did so.  
  
"This is Flight 206 reporting back, we're coming in, over," she said as she put the spoon in his mouth. Kenny, Kyle, and Stan were snickering at this little display of idiocy combined with affection. Cartman chewed thoughtfully on the fake ice cream and then swallowed. Lily stood there, a faint smile playing on her lips.  
  
"Well?" she asked. "Did you like it?" Cartman sighed.  
  
"Goddammit, I hate it when you're right," he said. "It was pretty good, actually." Lily beamed and then laughed.  
  
"HA!" she exclaimed triumphantly. "I told you it was good!"  
  
"Don't get cocky," he replied. "It was once in a row so far." Lily rolled her eyes.  
  
"Heh, Cartman, I'm right more of the time then you are," she replied. "Hell, you're-"  
  
"Shut up, you two," Stan said. "Goddammit, you sound like your married and you've only been going out for a month!" Lily shrugged.  
  
"I'm planning ahead," she replied. "Anyway, Stan, you're not even allowed to talk! You and that stupid bitch Wendy have been going out for...how long? You still have yet to kiss her!" Stan turned a bright pink and lowered his head.  
  
"Guys, guys, stop," Kenny said. "We need to find something else to do besides kill each other!" He looked right at Lily.   
  
"Especially you, missy," he said. "You need to tone down. You've gotten Stan all worked up."  
  
"Fuck off," she replied carelessly. "I don't give a shit about anything you-"  
  
"Oh, hey Wendy!" Stan interrupted. Lily whirled around and was face to face with Wendy. Bebe, Kelly, and Amanda were standing there with her.  
  
"Oh, hi Wendy," Lily said icily.  
  
"Hello," Wendy replied, her voice just as chilly. She pointed down at her cast, which looked like a roadmap because of all the messages that had been scrawled on it.  
  
"When are you getting that thing off so we can fight, bitch?" she asked. Lily gave her a hard smile.  
  
"Next week," she said. "And trust me, we'll fight." She cracked her knuckles and then stared her right in the eye.  
  
"Better get ready, slutbucket." Wendy gave her a tight smile before she started to walk away.  
  
"No Lily," she said. "I think it's you who needs to be ready. Come on, bitches, let's go!"  
  
"Wendy, where are you going?" Stan called after her. "Hang out here with us!" Wendy paused and then turned around, gazing at him.  
  
"Only if your stupid sister leaves," she said. Stan looked between her and Lily, torn.   
  
"Uh..." he said, but Cartman interrupted him, making the choice for him.  
  
"Hey Lily, why don't you come to my house?" he said. "Then, you can meet my relatives that are coming to stay?" Lily flashed him a smile.  
  
"All right," she said. "Anything's better then being around Wendy and her stupid teenybopper friends." Cartman laughed as he slipped an arm around her.  
  
"Tell me about it," he said. "If I had the choice between being locked in a room with them for a night or fucking a goat, I'd have to seriously think it over."  
  
"I know I would take the goat..." Stan watched them leave, a wistful smile on his face. If only he and Wendy could be as happy with each other as they were...  
  
"Thank God they're gone," Wendy said. "If there are two people in South Park I hate, it's Eric Cartman and Lillian Marsh." Stan sighed wearily.  
  
"Wendy, give them a break," he said. "Cartman, although I hate to admit it, is one of my best friends and Lily's my sister. Just because he's fat and she didn't want to be in your dumb group doesn't give you any grounds to hate them." Wendy narrowed her eyes at him.  
  
"Do you love me or not, Stan?" she asked, her voice deceptively calm.  
  
"Of course I love you, Wendy, but-"  
  
"Then you won't question me," she finished, cutting him off. Her attitude suddenly changed and she became her usual bright and cheery self again.  
  
"So, what are you boys doing?" she asked. They all looked at each other and shrugged.  
  
"Nothing, really," Kenny said.  
  
"We're just trying to figure out something to do when you came along," Kyle added.  
  
"Great!" Wendy exclaimed. "Because, now we're going to play house!" The three boys looked at each other, terrified.  
  
"Uh...house?" Stan said. "Can't we play Americans vs. Bosnians, or something?"  
  
"Do you want me to leave?" Wendy asked, her tone suddenly harsh.  
  
"Well, no-!"  
  
"Then we're playing house!" she shouted. Kenny inched his way over to Kyle.  
  
"Suddenly I wish that I was named Cartman or Lily..."  
  
~*~  
  
"Hello, poopykins!" Ms. Cartman said as they walked through the door. "Hello, Lily."  
  
"Hi," she said.  
  
"What have you got to eat, Ma?" Cartman asked as he plopped himself down on the couch. Ms. Cartman smiled.  
  
"Why, I've made Beefy Logs, chocolate chicken pot pies, and Powdered Donut Pancake Surprise!" she said.  
  
"Sweeet," Cartman replied. He patted the cushion next to him on the couch. "Come up here and sit with me, Lily." She nodded her head and got up on the couch next to him. Ms. Cartman brought out a plate of food for each of them.  
  
"Would you like Cheesy Poofs, hon?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah I want Cheesy Poofs!" Cartman said. She went back out into the kitchen and came back with a box of Cheesy Poofs for each of them.  
  
"Here you go, dears," she said.  
  
"Thanks," Lily said as she turned back to the TV. Cartman had put on Terrance and Phillip.  
  
"Say Terrance," Phillip said. "How would you like to hear an atomic bomb?"  
  
"Okay, Phillip," Terrance said. Phillip leaned over and farted on his head. Cartman and Lily cracked up and so did they.  
  
"Hahahaha, that was a good one, Phillip."  
  
"You got that right, bitch," Phillip replied.  
  
"Oh my God, Terrance and Phillip are so funny," Lily said. "They're so much better then the shit the used to air in Vermont!"  
  
"What was on TV in Vermont?" Cartman asked. Lily sighed, thinking.  
  
"Well," she said after a minute. "There was this really gay documentary called 'Where the Milk Comes From', and they would show that all the time. They also had a series about every gay person who had come to the state to get married." She giggled a little, and then added, "And how could I forget 'The Ultimate Guide to Your Tractor?'"  
  
"Oh my God, how did you live?" Cartman asked incredulously as the doorbell rang. Ms. Cartman came bustling out of the kitchen to answer the door.  
  
"Oh, hello there, Peter," she said, hugging him. "I'm very sorry to here about Anne..."  
  
"It's all right," he replied, his voice weary. He turned around, looking.  
  
"Colleen!" he called. "Please hurry up, baby." A few seconds later there was a girl their age standing at the door. She had wild, curly brown hair tied back in pigtails. She had an orange scarf wrapped around her next and she was wearing a green jacket with red mittens. Her eyes were bright green and they regarded Lily and Cartman with interest.  
  
"Wow, are they twins?" she asked. "I've never seen twins before..." Lily laughed good-naturedly.  
  
"No," she said. "But you'll see a set soon enough. I'm Cartman's girlfriend, Lily. I have a twin brother, but he isn't here right now."  
  
"Oh," she said. "Hi Lily. Hi Cartman."  
  
"Well, come in the kitchen Peter," Ms. Cartman said. "I'll put some coffee on and we can talk in private." She turned to Cartman. "Now Eric, you be nice to Colleen, all right?"  
  
"All right," he said. The two adults disappeared into the kitchen and Colleen stood before the two of them, looking slightly bemused.  
  
"I thought you said his name was Cartman," she said. "But Aunt Liane called him Eric." Lily laughed a bit.  
  
"Well, his first name is Eric, but we all call him Cartman," she explained. Colleen nodded.  
  
"Oh," she said. "That's cool. I wish I had a neat nickname, all I can be called is Colleen." She turned to Lily, her eye's regarding her warmly. "Is Lily your full name?"  
  
"No," she said. "My full name's Lillian, but I hate it. So, everyone just calls me Lily." She nodded her head.  
  
"I like the name Lily, it's pretty," she said. "A hell of a lot prettier then fucking Colleen, anyway!" Lily laughed, and then turned to Cartman.  
  
"I wonder what the others are doing with Wendy?" she asked. Cartman shrugged.  
  
"I don't care, I hate the stupid bitch, anyway," he replied.  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
~*~  
  
"Okay Stan, now we're going to get married! And then Kenny and Kelly will come over to show off their sextuplets, and Kyle and Bebe will be getting it on the back room!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
  
  
  



End file.
